Part One

This morning my ten year old daughter couldn’t find her coat. Typical glitch in the morning routine plus she had to walk to her cousins’ rather later than have me lift her from school.

I smiled afterwards at the studipity of our conversation/my diatribe. (Studipity – now there’s a word. . . I’ll leave it as it is. . .)

“Where is your new coat?”

“It’s in Schira’s car (her aunt)”

“Not much use to you there is it. . . I didn’t spend money on a new coat so you could leave it in other people’s cars did I? You want to catch yourself on and grow up, what age are you? Ten? For God’s sake. And when it rains…. there’s snow forecast you know –  the coat isn’t gonna keep you dry when it’s sitting in a car? You need to grow up and start taking responsibility for your stuff this is a bloody joke, every morning the same carry one. And let that hen in.”

“OK daddy.” She opens the front door and one of our three hens walked the well trodden walk of shame from the front door to the back door.

Part Two

Sorcha is four.

“Sorcha, you didn’t eat your lunch did you?”

“No I didn’t eat my school dinners.”

“That’s what I mean. Today you’re getting a packed lunch. So eat it OK?

‘But I don’t like dinners.’

Part Three

My son Leo is eight years old. After swimming club it takes him an eternity getting changed. One evening my sister in law eventually boiled her own radiator it took him that long. Cue a long lecture about hurrying up and not keeping people waiting.

“Blah Blah Blah keeping people waiting blah blah blah meeting to go to… blah how can it take you so long blah blah what kept you blah blah need to hurry up Leo …ad infinitum.”

Having listened intently but impassively Leo says: “Schira. Can you see the Great Wall of China from Outer Space?”

End of conversation.