I took Hub to the Vet’s today and

Had her put to sleep. First, we went

To the beach for a final walk. The

Dog didn’t know what I had planned for her.

No-one did. It was better

That way.

That’s the deal you see. I made a

Pact with myself the day I

Brought her back from Armagh as

A pup, lepping and squealing round the car

Black, shiny new she was happy

That day.

She sat intent behind me in the car

Head erect looking straight ahead,

Facing her fate unflinchingly,

No-one would have known

She was sick and in truth it was better

That way.

When she arrived here and the one year old

Boy kicked, tussled and fought the bit out.

Dog the little man’s best friend. Now she haunts

Old family photos like other dogs before her,

Sticking a snout in here, there

Every where.

Her coat was gleaming back, shining

The picture of healthiness, she tagged

Dutifully along into the vet’s

It broke my heart I couldn’t

Bear what I had to do

That day.

My daughter the animal lover had

A soft spot for her Hub and

Every morning hugged Hub before

She had anything to eat. When I told her

The news she wisely said better

That way dad.

Two out of three cows just want their milk processed.

The udders feel the same.

Last week I had an interesting conversation with a client. I thought we agreed that you would look after my dog for me he said. You know about dogs don’t you. That wasn’t exactly my understanding of what we discussed I thought to myself but demurred and mumbled something along the lines I can do that if you want.

A Social Dog.

My recollection was that the conversation some couple of years ago went something like I think I need to get a new dog. I’ve already had a few but I haven’t paid too much attention to them. I’m not sure what they eat, when they get walked, what their personality is like or who does actually feed, walk and train them.

But still. A new one was called for. And for a while, yes when he wasn’t about I’d look after the dog, making sure it was fed and watered. Making sure it grew and making sure it didn’t get into trouble by barking excessively, biting anyone or showing signs of its personality that might cause a problem down the road.

But there were no instructions on how to look after the dog, how often or at what time it should be fed. When we should let it out for a walk. Or what sort of personality we were hoping to develop. There was no plan for example on what to do if it caused a lot of shit and who would clean it up and how.

I suppose part of the problem was mine for I did not say to the client, yes I have a dog and as a responsible dog owner there are certain things you need to do and not do. For example if you make too much noise and create a lot of crap, the dog warden can some and put manners on you and your dog.

Or, if you feed it the wrong stuff it can have strange effects. If it becomes badly behaved and anti social it will attract negative comments and hostility. You might be happy just letting the dog go with the flow. It may be happy but wildly unpredictable, chasing every seagull, digging up every bone, eating other dogs’ dinners. It may like cats or not. It might even run off with the neighbours rabbit as has been know to happen. Dogs 1, Rabbits nil.

So here’s a few pointers if you do decide to get a dog.

1 Decide what dog you’re going to get. Is it going to be a big dog that needs a lot of discipline, rigorous training? Or is it going to be a small pampered sort of yoke that can be as high maintenance as you like but can still bark loud enough when it wants to.

2 Are you happy letting it off the leash now and then or will you keep a tight rein to stop it going off piste?

3 Is it going to conform to the same diet? Are you going to feed it at the same time every day or go with the flow, taking a bite here and there with no particular concern as to how it turns out?

4 When it does cause a load of crap and really messes up somewhere, how are you going to deal with that? Have you a clean up operation in place. Are you prepared to deal with a bit of crap now and then because you know that it goes with the territory?

5 If you let someone after look after it, are you going to make sure they know how to take care of it so it behaves exactly how you wish it to? And, if you do get someone else to look after it, make sure they have clear instructions.

It’s a bit like social media really.

Some bastard came up our street last week robbing cars.

If only I could have got them my neighbour said. Irate wasn’t the word,

The man’s wife isn’t well, his son’s in a wheelchair

And some lousy scumbag decides to rifle his car.

Not mine though. No they stole two bicycles from the side

Of our house one Saturday night a few weeks earlier.

Birthday presents for the boys

Both, now gone, vanished. We called the police and they have conducted

An extensive investigation into the whole affair.

Detectives carried out fingertip searches of the crime scene,

Suspects interviewed, surveillance carried out, sodium thiopental

Administered, interrogation and sensory deprivation deployed.

Every trick in the book. Guantanamo wouldn’t get a look in.

Where are the bicycles? And the other man’s money? And his

Paraplegic son’s keys? And who scattered that stuff up and down

The street? You scum bastards. But of course none of these things happened.

Well the robbery did in truth. My fault for not chaining the boys’ bikes. My

Neighbour’s for not locking his car. Nothing to do with the way

The others were brought up, dragged up from the dregs to decide

To steal a nine-year-old boy’s brand new birthday bicycle and his brother’s both.

They got someone for the car crime. The police did. There were three in the bed

Together, a gang I suppose, but they couldn’t get him to roll over the

Other two. I would like to meet them and ask them why they

Did it? I’m sure they weren’t into cycling and lycra really.

And when I’d finished I’d simply say

On your bike, your own bike that is and

Fuck away off out of our street, my life,

Our stuff, our gardens, our sheds, our cars, our lean-tos.

Every night now I lock the car religiously.

And make sure the replacement bikes

Are chained. And every cyclist I stare suspiciously at the

Bike he’s on. Is it black? Has it that familiar green writing on the frame?

And what if I did see it? I’d love to stick a stick

Between that particular set of spokes.